Saturday, April 11, 2020

Secret Jackalope: The Humorist GLOG Wizard

The time has come again (for the first time) as the OSR Discord community celebrates Easter (and, unforeseen when this all started, our collective quarantine) with another post exchange! This time, the Secret Jackalope is here, and requires a SACRIFICE.

thorinp requests the following gift:
d20 unusual things for a level 1 PC to have, OR 6 GLOG spells with a common theme

I decided to expand the 6 spell request into a full GLOG Wizard class. I originally decided to make a Plague Doctor Wizard for relevance points, but found that Humorism had way more to bite into.

Spells marked with an * are the 6 original spells asked for in the prompt.


The Life of a Medieval Doctor

Humorist Wizard (Chartered)

The human body is filled with four liquids: blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. This is an obvious and intuitive system, well supported by contemporary scholarship. It has nothing at all to do with Biomancy: those heretics only know how to use blood in their spellcasting, and the imbalance of humors muddles their heads.

The Humoristic system is holistic, encompassing the personality of an individual, the inner workings of the human body, the stages of life, the passing of the seasons, and the basic elemental makeup of the world. This makes you much, much better than those silly, parochial Elementalist Wizards.

As a Chartered Wizard, you blend the time-tested tradition of the Orthodox wizard with cutting-edge medicine. Literally, in many cases. Humors are Medicine. Humors are Science. You believe in it fully. You have large, heavy books to throw at the heads of any naysayers.


Starting Equipment: degree in humorism from an accredited institution, a weighty spell/textbook on humorism, ink and quill, humor diagram tattooed on location of your choice

Perk: You are widely regarded as credible, and can use your school's reputation to gain audience with authority figures with relative ease.
Drawback: You must preach the wonders of humorism whenever you enter a civilized locale, and must take regular baths to maintain your internal balance.

Cantrips
1. Convince a creature that their entire personality is defined by a surplus of one of the four humors. This is what Humorist Wizards believe. This effect lasts for an hour.
2.You declare a thinking creature to have a surplus or deficiency in one of the four humors, and prescribe a treatment. The creature need not be sick. As a chartered Humorist, your word is taken at its face by most anyone, and the creature is now deeply concerned with their internal balance.
Treatments may include bloodletting, transfusions, applying hot spoons or cups to the face and back, purges, induced vomiting and herbal concoctions.
3. Hock up phlegm to clear your throat and speak with a supernaturally clear and loud voice for 10 minutes. Everyone saw and heard you do that, and is mildly disgusted.

Mishaps
1. MD only return to your pool on a 1-2 for 24 hours.
2. Take 1d6 damage.
3. Random mutation for 1d6 rounds, then Save. Permanent if you fail.
4. Nauseous 1d6 rounds
5. Deafened 1d6 rounds
6. Vomit 1d100 liters of black bile.

Doom of the Humorist
1. Roll 1d4: 1: Blood 2: Yellow Bile 3: Black Bile 4: Phlegm. The resulting humor is a defining feature of your personality from this point onwards.
2. You dramatically screwed up your own internal balance of humors. Take sufficient damage to go to 0 HP and remain bedridden until you geed a good night's rest.
3. In a flash of clarity, you realize that all humorism is pseudoscience. You can't believe you've been so blind! Lose all Humorist templates and denounce the practice of Humorism for the rest of your natural life. Nobody else believes you, the poor, deluded sods.

Patients that needed bloodletting were sent to the barbershops ...

Spells

1. Phlegmatic Touch*
R: touch T: waking creature D: [dice] interval
You intensify the phlegmatic qualities of a creature to make them fall into a dreamless sleep. Applying this to an unwilling target requires a full round of grappling. On a successful Save, the target resists falling asleep and instead becomes supernaturally, making all rolls at a -4 and being drained of all self-motivation. The target can choose to fail the Save. Unless magically dispelled, this effect lasts for:
1MD: 1 minute 2: 10 minutes 3: 1 hour 4: 6 hours

2. Knock
R: 50' T: [dice] objects D: 0
Object is opened. Doors are flung wide, locks are broken, shackles are bent open, belts come undone. Treat this as a Strength check made with STR 10+[dice]x4. If target is an armored creature, Save or armor falls off. If target is an unarmored creature, Save or vomit for 1d4 rounds.

3. Control Blood*
R: 50' T: creature with blood  D: concentration to 1 minute
You manipulate the blood in another creature to control their movements, like a puppet on strings. The [sum] must exceed the target's remaining hit points. You can declare that the creature is still for the round as a free action, but you must expend your action to make them take one.

4. Force Field
R: 10' T: plane or sphere D: concentration
Creates a shimmering force field, 10‘x10’, centered up to 10' away. Alternatively, create a sphere centered on the caster 5' in diameter (large enough for the caster and +1 person). The force field has [sum] HP. All attacks against it hit.

5. Choleric Touch*
R: touch T: creature D: [dice]x2 rounds
The energetic yellow bile in a creature's body is excited, and they enter a frothing trance. The target creature gains all the bonuses and restrictions of a Barbarian's Rage, and must Save to end it early. This stacks with the effects of a normal Rage, but at the end the barbarian must roll on the Magic Injury table.

6. Magic Missile
R: 200' T: creature D: 0
Target takes [sum] + [dice] damage, no Save. As a Humorist, your missile is a glob of phlegm, spat out with incredible speed and accuracy.

7. Melancholic Command*
R: 50' T: living creature D: [dice] interval
The target creature must Save or else obey the wizard's command. This command must take the form of a cripplingly pedantic task. Counting all the grains of sand on a beach, perfectly imagining a complex picture in their head, saying a thousand tongue-twisters back-to-back, and such. The enchantment ends early if they complete their task (not likely) or are harmed, such as with a hard slap. The spell lasts for:
1MD: 1 hour 2: 8 hours 3: 1 day 4: 1 week

8. Feather Fall
R: 10’ T: [dice] creatures or objects D: 0
If you would take fall damage, you can cast this spell as a reaction to negate it. You float gently to the ground (possibly alarmingly late).

9. Light
R: touch T: object or creature D: [dice]x2 hours
Object illuminates as a torch, with a radius of 20’+[dice]x10’. Alternatively, you can make an Attack roll against a sighted creature. If you succeed, the creature is blinded for [sum] rounds. If [sum] is greater than 12, the creature is permanently blinded. You can chose the colour of the light. If you invest 4 [dice] or more this light has all the qualities of natural sunlight. Alternatively, if you invest 4 [dice] or more the light can be purest octarine, although it will only last for 1 round. Octarine light is extremely dangerous.

10. Wizard Vision
R: touch T: sighted creature D: 10 min / permanent
If you invest one [die]: Target can see invisible things. Target can see through illusions. Non-magical disguises are not penetrated.
If you invest two or more [dice]: This can only be cast on yourself. As above, except you can also see through magical darkness, and see the true forms of shapeshifters. There are also some permanent effects: (a) You can forever see invisible things as a slight warping or lensing of light. You know “there's something over there” and what size it roughly is, but nothing else. (b) You can tell if someone else is a spellcaster by looking them in the eyes. The price for this gift is your mind. You suffer a permanent loss of 1d6 Wisdom (as you reject the true nature of Creation and go slightly mad) or 1d6 Charisma (as you accept the true nature of Creation and alienate yourself from your peers).

Emblem Spells

11. Bloodletting*
R: 50' T: 20'  radius area  D: 0
Deal [sum] piercing damage as dozens of needle-pricks appear upon the flesh of creatures in the affected area.

12. Summon Humors*
R: 0 T: summoned creature  D: 0
You manifest the humors in bodily form, bringing forth a humor elemental. It has [dice]x3 HD, 10+[dice] Defense, deals 1d8+2 damage and has a special ability depending on its type. In other respects, it appears as a human with lightly tinted skin.
Blood elementals provide a [dice] morale bonus to hirelings while it remains active. Yellow Bile elementals deal +[dice] damage and goad enemies to attack them first. Black Bile elementals are very intelligent and perceptive. They ferret out secrets and examine situations with utmost attention. Phlegm elementals are relaxed and unwilling to enter combat, but make for excellent drinking buddies and negotiators.

There it is! I hope this was up to your expectations thorinp, and that you all enjoyed reading this. See you all soon!

The Truth Behind the Jackalope and Those Who Hunt the Elusive ...
HAIL THE JACKALOPE! IA! IA!



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